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The 40 Over 40 Project | Rachael 42

Having a boudoir photo shoot was part of my promise to myself for my 40th birthday. Something to look back on when I was older and potentially shock my grandchildren with.

However I found myself continually delaying having them done because I wasn’t happy with how my body looked. I was constantly comparing myself to the size and shape I was four years earlier. I didn’t feel confident in my body or want a record of what it looked like at that point in time.

Eventually however my perspective changed. When I was thirty-six I was still very much in shock and grieving the sudden loss of my husband the year before. I was fuelled by adrenaline and anxiety, rarely getting enough sleep, eating enough or sitting down. I was in constantly in the midst of projects around my home in order to keep myself as busy as possible. And in amongst all this I was trying to be the best solo parent I could be to my three children, helping them to navigate their way through such incredible grief and loss.

I went to the gym daily, sometimes twice daily, as a way of adding structure to my day and to help manage my anxiety. Consequently I was fitter and more toned than I had ever been in my adult life.

Four years later and life had changed considerably. I had re-entered the workforce (then left, then re-entered and so on and so forth – the solo parenting juggle is no joke). We had lived through a global pandemic. I had reluctantly agreed to change my anxiety medication and was regularly seeing a psych. Whilst I was still attending the gym I no longer twitched with stress when I missed it. My overall mental health had improved and with it my ability to be kinder to myself in my day to day life. This had mainly been reflected by the continuing changes to my body.

So I decided to have the photos even though I wasn’t physically in the shape I had wanted to be. The photos capture me at that particular point in time in my life and I hope that when I look back on them I won’t see that my body wasn’t exactly how I would have liked but will instead remember how far I had come.

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